A cat's version of Twas the night before Christmas
You came to the wrong house, Santy Claws!
This iz a poem by yours truly.
'Twaz the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature waz stirring, cuz I killed the mouse
The stockings waz hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that this mythical Santy Claws soon would be there
The human larvae waz nestled all snug in their beds
While I walked and meowed, demanding to be fed
And momma human in her 'kerchief, and the other in hiz cap
I nestled up nice and cozy in a warm human’s lap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the human’s legs to see what waz the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and clawed up the sash
The moon shined brightly on the new-fallen snow
I searched for the intruder up above and below
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight mutant deer
With a little human driver az fat az cattle
I sharpened my claws, and prepared for battle
More rapid than stoopy squirrels hiz mutant deer they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
The sleigh shook and rumbled, and the deer started to fly
I knew this waz some dark sorcery, and decided that this fat man needed to die
So up to the housetop hiz evil deer they flew
With the sleigh full of who knows what, and the fat burglar too
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each stoopy hoof
Az I drew in my head, and waz turning around
Down the chimney Santy Claws came with a bound
He waz dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot
And hiz clothes waz all tarnished with ashes and soot
A big bag full of dark magic he had flung on hiz back
This round plump burglar looked like he waz ready to attack
Hiz eyes—they seemed evil, hiz face all hairy
Hiz ears and nose pointed, this intruder waz a bit scary!
His troll little mouth waz drawn up like a bow
And hiz evil wizard beard waz white az the snow
But he waz chubby and plump, and I laughed to myself
This waz no mighty warrior, but some fat ugly elf
He focused on the tree, az it sparkled and shined
He didn’t see me, sneaking up from behind
One paw in front of the other, and slowly I sneaked
But I stepped on the stoopy dog toy, and boy did it squeak
The fat elf heard me and twisted hiz head
So I gave him a look that let him know that he waz dead
He begged and pleaded, and stood in the corner and pouted
“You broke into the wrong house stoopy! Prepare for death!” I shouted
And with one ninja swipe, I clawed hard at hiz nose
The fat elf screamed, and up the chimney he rose
He ran to hiz sleigh, and screamed for the mutant deer to fly
I scoured up the chimney with blood thirsty eyes
The sleigh took off, and the Santy Claws didn’t look back
I knew I saved Christmas with my heroic attack
Az he drove out of sight, the fat elf cursed and spat
“Never that house again! Or any with a cat! ”
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