If you have cats and or dogs, you'll find this letter to be hilariously true

To be posted very low on the refrigerator door - pet nose height. 

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and it is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me also doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine and feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is to kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's cat or butt. Not the other way around. I cannot stress this enough. 

Love you very much, 

Your human parent.