A cat's version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

A poem written by our kitty CEO describing the night before Christmas... based on true events...

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, because I killed the mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that this mythical Santy Claws soon would be there

The human larvae were nestled all snug in their beds

While I walked and meowed, demanding to be fed

And momma human in her 'kerchief, and the other in his cap

I nestled up nice and cozy in a warm human’s lap

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

I sprang from the human’s legs to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters and clawed up the sash

The moon shined brightly on the new-fallen snow

I searched for the intruder up above and below

When what to my wondering eyes did appear

But a miniature sleigh and eight mutant deer

With a little human driver as fat as cattle

I sharpened my claws and prepared for battle

More rapid than stoopy squirrels his mutant deer they came

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

The sleigh shook and rumbled, and the deer started to fly

I knew this was some dark sorcery and decided that this fat man needed to die

So up to the housetop his evil deer they flew

With the sleigh full of who knows what, and the fat burglar too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each stoopy hoof

As I drew in my head and was turning around

Down the chimney Santy Claws came with a bound

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot

A big bag full of dark magic he had flung on his back

This round plump burglar looked like he was ready to attack

His eyes—they seemed evil, his face all hairy

His ears and nose pointed, this intruder was a bit scary!

His troll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

And his evil wizard beard was white as the snow

But he was chubby and plump, and I laughed to myself

This was no mighty warrior, but some fat ugly elf

He focused on the tree, as it sparkled and shined

He didn’t see me, sneaking up from behind

One paw in front of the other and slowly I sneaked

But I stepped on the stoopy dog toy and boy did it squeak

The fat elf heard me and twisted his head

So I gave him a look that let him know that he was dead

He begged and pleaded, and stood in the corner and pouted

“You broke into the wrong house stoopy! Prepare for death!” I shouted

And with one ninja swipe, I clawed hard at his nose

The fat elf screamed and up the chimney he rose

He ran to his sleigh and screamed for the mutant deer to fly

I scoured up the chimney with blood thirsty eyes

The sleigh took off and the Santy Claws didn’t look back

I knew I saved Christmas with my heroic attack

As he drove out of sight, the fat elf cursed and spat

“Never that house again! Or any with a cat! ”

Merry Catmass Everyone!